Experience has taught me that sometimes, in order for things to work out, one needs to retreat, leave the scene, observe, reevaluate or, just refresh and relax. It has taught me more profound lessons also, which are contrary to the ‘fixers’ belief; not everything must work, sometimes change is necessary, other times O tan! Finish – that’s the end and when it is the end, it can be alright too. Sometimes, not everything can or should be fixed, but retreat you should and learn you must! I read a quote which said;
“Almost everything will work well again if you unplug it for a few minutes; including you.” The depth in these words!!!
Sometimes, we default want everything to be perfect; our relationships beautiful, our friendships on point, our families well knit, our professions excellent. Everyone ought to be happy, everything ought to go right. Sometimes we are used to the 99% of our lives like this and all we want to do is maintain it as such but, we do not realize how much of our energies are being exuded with no refill trying to, eventually we break down, crash into the whole mess or lose elements of who we are, which I dare say, ain’t worth it. Relax fixer; sometimes not everything can or should be fixed!
I am the perfect example (by personal evaluation and a few external observations) of a fixer – always wanting everything to be perfect, everyone happy and happy with me. I want to be at peace with everyone and everything going well not like there wouldn’t be challenges generally but, I like my ‘block’ on point even through the storm outside, forgetting that sometimes fire can start from the house, so when I sight the slightest eminent problem, I want to get it out fast! I just really don’t like drama. However, recent years have been a wakeup call for me, a slow learning process and this past year, I earned a degree. I am awake and very alert.
The boring details I will spare, but I’ll let you in on what I learnt by experience, sometimes cannot be fixed.
1) Problems originating from perception: You know how they say “one man’s food is another man’s poison”? Basically how ‘A’ perceives one thing will not be how ‘B’ perceives that same thing and sometimes, issues that continuously arise as a result of different perceptions can result to frustration which, if you insist must be fixed would only lead to the next world war. Relationships strained because one person insists the other is foul and the other cries out, ‘foul’! Truth be told, you may just never be on the same page, It may never work and if it will, only by retreat, reevaluation, leaving the scene, unplugging. Eventually, after a timeout, a possible, bitter, yet, necessary truth, could be – change or termination is due!
2) Problems resulting from disrespect: When you disrespect people, you think very little of them. You act in total and complete disregard for their person and opinions. Your words and/or, your actions deliberately insult them. You cannot fix a relationship with anyone whose pre-set ideology of you, is degrading, my dear only God can so why struggle? Any relationship that makes you feel less of who you are, questions your worth or just puts you in the position to begin to, deserves only one thing from you – withdrawal and this is only because radical approaches are childish and I believe people are deserving of chances/long ropes. Attempting to change (especially who you are as a person), just to earn another individuals respect or, trying to match up to the ‘embodiment of respect’ that is degrading or disregarding you, is indeed loosing you and apologies in advance because, if ‘you’ lose ‘you’…who then finds you?
3) Any problem owed to pride: Because, pride does come before a fall –Simple. Pride is blinding. No, let me rephrase that – Pride kills! Entitlement, consciousness of one’s dignity, gratification, all of this can be wonderful impressions yet, such a sharp double edged sword too. Pride will dissolve family ties and reduce it to null. Pride echo’s ME! ME! ME! Pride cannot squat with WE and will never share with US! Trying to fix a relationship with anyone or, fix a relationship defect caused by anyone who is proud can feel like a thorn in your flesh. Soo much internal strain and wear, do you really deserve that? Take a break, back out and watch the show or leave it “dead’, breathe, talk to God, just STOP TRYING TO FIX!
4) Problems as a result of denial: Denial is wicked. I mean, it’s not being oblivious because, that would mean one is genuinely not just aware, not mindful, or, just not paying attention to/in situations. Problems that are easily created as a result of one party, acting like there is no problem, even though one is evident (especially with intimate relationships), only catalyze distrust, irritation and possible contempt which all are foundations for catastrophe, wear and pain. Trying to put things right where the other party often deliberately and consciously refuses the obvious, ignores the truth and ‘acts’ oblivious, just so they are not indulging, is a fix scheduled to damage you (ironically). Unplug yourself, try to stop trying and breathe!
5) Immaturity: You do not even need a problem, a situation, a cause. Deficiency in maturity already is problem enough and any adult frequently lacking in maturity, can only learn from their own sorry experiences. If attempts made at trying to groom, grow, educate (and this is not restricted to book knowledge) any individual with this deficiency, proves null and most times finds you at a compromise, then that is your queue to quit! Yes, in this case, please close chapter hand it/them to God-their creator, he knows what to Twix to get it/them running as intended.
These points, I consider my ‘two cents’ based on personal experiences over time and I will reiterate – “Sometimes, not everything can or should be fixed, but retreat you should and learn you must”!
Are you a fixer or do you know any that might need to stop fixing and either quit or time out on his/her fix schedules? What do you think?